Hide and Seek

Someone asked why I share my personal experiences and emotions on this blog.  Experience shared helps one deal with otherwise crippling and damaging life issues.

This week, I confirmed a suspicion that I expect the worst from situations.  In my mind, I am always expecting a disaster to happen even where there are no facts supporting my ascertion. For a week now, I have been writing all the negative expectations down, then I make a conscious effort to change my thoughts.  At the end of the day, I go back to where I wrote my negative expectations and like all the other entries for the week, none of my negative expectations happened.  Reading my entries, the minute I changed my thought pattern, events followed what I was thinking. Positive brought positive and the same for negative.

My fear of making money stemmed from a period in my life when I did have the money, but had a terrible life. In my subconscious mind, money equalled trouble.  How horribly wrong that thinking was and of course it affected everything! Domestic violence, while most unfortunate is just that, domestic violence.  It has nothing to do with money.  Somehow, I subconsciously always connected money to violence.  Ultimately the impulses I was sending out were all negative, and since I have an influencing personality, I influenced everyone around me to believe that it was alright to make do without money.  I used to talk about this discovery in passing, not knowing that I was stating a true fact which was vindicated by scientific study re - thought impulses.  So, in time, I affected all those around me.  My thinking became their thinking and incredibly, we went through a year - broke.  I have had to re-educate my mind that money is good.  It was not the reason for the trouble I went through, but a vindictive and insecure partner.  My first experience with domestic violence explains why I am insecure and hide behind telling other people of their own insecurity.  I let myself be used and abused (again) by a much older and totally irresponsible man and had an unhealthy outlook towards relationships.  I do not trust easily and I really thought and believed (wrongly) that it is better to be alone than to share your life with someone else.  I am happy I am one of the lucky few whose lives did not go to total waste because I have started to take corrective action, because I understand.

I hope that people from this, my fourthworld,  faced with a similar or worse situation can take note and do better than I have done.  Life is too short to make it a thirty second advertisement of hide and seek or make believe.   You live, you learn. You learn, you make the most of whats left of your life and you enjoy life.