I found Charles's name on an on line dating agency page and he swears he has nothing to do with it. His name is correct, his surname too, his birth day except his gender. Instead of male, it lists him as female but his country of residence is also correct. So I sent him an email with the link to 'his page' and ....
The question I am asking is did I want to believe him or not or do I care whether or not he lies to me or what difference is it going to make? After all, I'm not being very nice to this charming and absolutely adorable human being. Charles has this totally brilliant mind which just blows you away. He taught me a lot of things, some good, some not so good. The best lesson was the ability to get out of oneself and look at situations dispassionately. I used to think him cruel and machine like but now that I am able to do the same, I realise that this lesson has its merits. Where most people break down, you simply go on auto pilot and deal with whatever you have to at a more opportune time. Then there is the lesson to value one's time and life. This, I learnt from him the hard way. The merits far outweigh the demerits but for people in my world, this fourthworld, managing one's time and life makes you come across as mean, cold, calculating and unfeeling. On the plus plus side however, it teaches you discipline, tenacity and order.
Charles is a totally incurable romantic. He is passionate and tender. Has the sweetest lips on earth and this soft voice, you would think if he speaks too much he will run out of air. Then there is his smile and the way he wets his lips with his lips before he kisses. Did I mention how impeccably dressed he always is, buying a blue suit on our second date because blue happened to be my favourite colour way back when? So this on line dating thing could have been attention seeking on his part and it appears to have been meant to force me to act. Charles meant well, he genuinely cares for me and I cannot believe what I did to him. This man is my Bruno Mars - Grenade. I know it, he knows it but a worm got in the way. It ate all the woodwork and before I knew it, I was questioning Charles' sincerity, his love, his motives, everything. So finally, Charles said it. He said he felt he has lost me. Its true that he has lost me but somewhere at the back of my mind, I was thinking that given time, there was going to be a chance to salvage something. Matters of the heart are never easy. I think that of all the things that have happened, this is the most stupid and saddest. I will miss Charles but part of me feels glad that he was the one to bring this up. I do not have the right to keep him hoping. Even the spirit of chasing after him has been totally extinguished. So, what I am asking myself is did I or did I not love Charles?
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